Annie, Janel, and Jewelsp’s Medical Guide to Attraction

My roommates and I have a unique way of labeling the different levels of attractiveness in males. For many girls you will hear, “Oh, he’s so hot!” “That guy is so cute.” “Did you see that boy? He’s absolutely gorgeous!” “I think he’s so handsome!” “Look at that nice eye candy.” “That is one A-class piece of meat!” Okay, I’ve only heard a few girls say the last one, but I have heard it. In my opinion, it’s degrading. Get it? A-class…is degrading. I know that was bad. I think that calling a guy cute, beautiful, or even gorgeous is emasculating. I don’t think men are cute. I think little boys are cute. Like my nephew. In my opinion, beautiful and gorgeous are adjectives for women. Well, a guy can have beautiful eyes or a gorgeous smile, but as a whole, my friends and I refer to them as attractive. But it gets tiresome referring to men as only attractive or even handsome and so the following classifications were established.

Have a Heart Attack and Die. This commonly designates celebrities. Those males that are so attractive there is NO way they’d go for us. They’re nice “eye candy”, if you will, but unattainable. We gaze upon them and daydream, but that’s all it is…a dream. Besides, if we have a heart attack and die, there’s no way to enjoy the pleasure of their appearance. We’re dead.

Have a Heart Attack and Recover. This is the best classification according to me and my roomies. The guy is extremely good-looking, but there’s the hope of having that attraction reciprocated. He makes your heart stop for a minute, but with the use of a good defibrillator, we’re back to normal.

Have a stroke. These men are also very good-looking, but less so than in the previous categories. They cause symptoms of weakness, paralysis to parts of the body, and frequently speech difficulties. But these guys are more likely to requite your affection.

Have a Mild Stroke. The apoplexy that occurs when these men walk past is not quite so severe. The viewer experiences the same symptoms, but they are lessened. We’re attracted and they’re definitely date material, but not our first choice.

Heart Starts Racing. This is pretty self-explanatory. Fast or irregular heart beats occur when these men pass by. They have a certain charm about them that causes this quickening pulse, but no lasting impression. However, our feminine pride gets the best of us and we still suck in our stomachs and strike a pose.

Mild Heart Palpitations. When these men enter visibility, our hearts skip a beat but then swiftly return to normal. There is something mildly pleasing to the eye, but no substance to maintain that allure. No dating interest is developed and the patient swiftly recovers…her senses that is.

No Reaction. This is also pretty unmistakable. We feel no attraction or repulsion towards these men. They’re simply fellow inhabitants of this planet we call Earth.

Mild Cause of Indigestion. These are men that we are not attracted to in any way. We’re not really disgusted by them, but there is no hope of a relationship due to our lack of interest. They’re not bad, just not our type.

Major Cause of Indigestion. These guys cause our stomachs to turn and so we stay away from them. Not only are they repulsive to us, they are irritating. There is absolutely no interest in dating or friendship and we make sure we don’t cause any wrong ideas in the male. Seeing them can sometimes cause us to throw up a little in our mouths.

Forceful Removal of Stomach Contents. Avoidance at all cost. We will do whatever is in our power to remove ourselves from their company. They’re very presence causes the skin to crawl and the bile inevitably to rise. To say the least, they’re creepy and there is no hope on heaven or earth that they will even be given a date. Are we harsh? If you met these men, you would not think us caustic. Believe me. Men, you know there are women like that as well. So don’t think us judgmental. It’s simply a fact of life that there are people who just make you want to hurl.

Well, there you have it, the unique way my friends and I distinguish attractiveness in the opposite sex. It may be bizarre that we differentiate the handsomeness of men by using health issues/physical reactions. This way we know exactly what level of attraction the other feels when seeing a man pass by. It’s a rather handy way of expressing our appeal in regards to specific males we currently like as well. If you were offended by these classifications, I can only assume you’re a guy. I find our uniqueness quite humorous and wanted to share the hilarity with you. Hopefully, if there are men out there with similar labeling techniques, I will end up in the heart attack and above range. Heck, I’d even settle for a stroke.