The First Book of Annie

I must thank the only person who left me a comment. Thank you Janel! Your request shall be fulfilled. As for the rest of you. You should be ashamed, keeping all of your ideas to yourselves. Unless, of course, you've just been too busy to assist me, then you are forgiven. (Also, thanks Rye, for the ideas I'm stealing from your Christmas letter. I dedicate this to you and Janel!) And so, The First Book of Annie begins.

1 And it came to pass that I, Annie, did write my epistle unto my blog readers, therefore I make a record of the proceedings of my day. Yea, I make a record in the language of my father, which consists of the learning of the Utahns and the language of the Engineers.
2 For it came to pass in the commencement of the eighth year of the reign of Bush, there came out a decree from the Internal Revenue Service that all the United States should be taxed. And when I did hear, I did quake and tremble exceedingly.
3 And behold, it was revealed unto me that I should not see death before I had paid taxes. And I wept.
4 And it came to pass that the primary election were taking place in the land. And I did vote early and did wear my sticker with much pride. And there were in the same state many who chose not to vote and we did boo them exceedingly.
5 And it came to pass that I, Annie, did arrive at work at an early hour. And I was exceedingly tired. And thus, I did murmur against my boss.
6 But behold, my boss did speak unto me saying, "Let this be a sign unto you, ye shall find the check wrapped in an envelope, lying in a drawer." And behold, I did remember my paycheck and did repent with exceeding haste. Thus I did stock the shelves and was grateful for the money which I did earn.
7 And it came to pass that I did hear from many customerites concerning their bills. And I did help them much with their problems. And their rejoicing could be heard throughout the land.
8 And I went forth, and when I came near to the house of religion I beheld that some students had fallen in the snow before me, for the sidewalk had not been shoveled. And I did feel much sorrow on their behalf. Thus I entered the house of religion and did play the piano with an exceedingly glad heart. And there was with me a multitude of heavenly voices singing praises unto the most high. And this caused much happiness throughout the room.
9 And there were young warriors who did flirt exceedingly much and did cause the hearts of the women to flutter. And there were young women in the same room who did leap upon the warriors and did stalk them even unto the doors and they were sore afraid. I did fear that they may be lead away by the foolish imaginations of their hearts for Valentines Day was near. Inasmuch as the flirting did continue, it did confound the wise and the learned for they were charmed by beauty. And I did roll my eyes exceedingly much.
10 Therefore, I did depart and went up unto my place of employment where there were many phone calls. And the customerites again began to murmur about their bills. And these phone calls did cause me much frustration. But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life. And the last sentence was false, for they were exceedingly agreeable. And they did listen as I explained the depths of what they owed.
11 However, there were many notes left for the other coworkerites, and they did not take heed. And my heart was stirred and I did confront them with mine anger. And the coworkerites did offer me chocolate to soften my heart. But I fled and did run swiftly up four flights of stairs. Now it came to pass that I returned and did enter a happy state. Behold, I did now accept their offering and did rejoice in it exceedingly.
12 And it came to pass that the snow did cause much confusion in the parking lot. And the customerites were exceedingly wroth for the snow plow had not left much room. And they did badger us with many questions which we could not answer.
13 And there came unto work a young trainee, whose stink surpasseth all that stinketh. And there was much rejoicing from the coworkerites for this was his final day of training. And he did depart. And behold, this I declare unto you with glad tidings of great joy.
14 And the time came that I could return to my home, in which thing I did rejoice. And I did have reason to rejoice for our system had crashed and we could not type the things which were needed. Behold, my beloved blog readers, I speak unto you these things that you may rejoice. For I did come home and write this blog with much laughter. And my foot did fall asleep during the writing of it.
15 And now, my friends, I desire that ye should smile, that this blog should cause you to laugh exceedingly; for, for this intent I have written this epistle. And now, I bid unto you all, farewell. I soon go to the kitchen to find sustenance. Blog readers, adieu.