Inadequacy

I am into details. I see little things, things that normal people might not notice. Well, I went to a wedding tonight. It was beautiful. The bride and groom were glowing. The colors were red, black, and white…very elegant. The decorations were impeccably placed. The cake was white and black, square and tiered across the table. Professional pictures were spread around the room. Quilts cascaded from various easels. The dessert was to die for (literally, I think I died). Everyone was beaming and sighing casting glances at his or her significant other. My friend caught the bouquet (I didn’t even try). I felt very small.

The past two days I have been plagued with feelings of inadequacy. Especially when it comes to relationships. Have you ever liked someone and yet felt that you just aren’t good enough? This has been my constant thought the past couple days. I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs that I like someone. This hasn’t changed; I am not a fickle person. However, I have been feeling that I just don’t measure up. As I watched the miracle of love recognized, I shrunk into myself. Lately, I have tried to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I watched the joy around me, I felt myself step back into my proverbial cage. This is something every girl wants. Marriage. But, all of the sudden, I was scared. How could I ever be a good enough wife or mother? I have so many flaws. How could I lift someone else when I have a hard enough time dealing with my emotions?

Satan is doing everything in his power to drag me down. I felt that writing these feelings down might give me power over them. I have been so happy lately. But I feel as if he took a 2x4 and smacked me. He knows me so well and that terrifies me. He knows that my self worth is an area that can cause me to shrink. And so the attack comes. “Why would an incredible young man ever look twice at you? Why would you think that he would choose you over the other amazing young women? You are not worth the time or effort. Obviously, no one tries.”

That may sound incredibly harsh, but it’s what he’s been barraging me with. I’m trying to fight these feelings, but it’s hard when some of the comments hit so close to home. I know that I am a daughter of God. I keep trying to focus on the fact that no matter what, I am loved. I keep praying for patience, strength, guidance and the ability to overcome these feelings. I know that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle. I just have to keep faith that He will help me better myself. I can become the person I need to be. At least, I hope so!