Fashion Collision

Fashion is a topic that has always bored me. I dress in what I find comfortable and modest. This usually doesn’t include the modern styles. Before the Easter holiday, my mom always buys me an Easter dress. So we went shopping last Friday. My good friends and family will already know that I abhor shopping, especially when clothes are involved. I find it exhausting and extremely frustrating. Friday was no exception. If you ask my mom, you’ll find out that I usually become very ornery, unless I can make it fun…somehow.

The first stop was disappointing. Every dress I tried on was made to flatter either a teenager or a rag doll. I looked like a decorative teapot. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that bad. There was one dress that made me look like a wicked witch and another that gave me the appearance of the farmer’s daughter. I wear simple clothing; so when a dress makes me look like ornamental china, I turn and high tail it out the door. And so I fled.

The next stop was to the Mall. Walking into one of the stores, I spotted a fetching pair of sandals. I thought, “Well, if I don’t find a dress, I can buy these shoes to bring me comfort.” Then I turned them over to see the price. Duh, Duh, DUH...90 DOLLARS!!! Who buys shoes for $90? My mouth literally hit the floor which caused much laughter from my mom. So we left to discover more jaw-dropping sights. When did the fashion designers decide to not only bring back the sixties, but the seventies and eighties as well? I’m here to testify that those fads went out of style FOR A REASON! Some of you may know the current styles I’m writing about, but for those that don’t, allow me to elaborate. Imagine that you’re at a three-way stop and there’s three vehicles coming from different directions. A 60’s Hippy-Mobile, a 70’s Chevrolet Monte Carlo, and an 80‘s Geo Metro are flying at full speed. Each ignores the stop sign and there is a three-way head-on collision. The wreckage is a semblance of current fashion. Here’s another way of looking at it (In case you can’t tell, this is how I made shopping bearable.). You give a child some Play Dough, pudding, and glitter. The child proceeds to smash them together creating a blob of nastiness. Some things do NOT go together. There was one shirt that felt like they’d pulled it out of the washer too soon. It looked like they’d crinkled it, let it dry with soap still crusted on, and then had a Baboon throw paint on it. I’m sorry, but if I wanted a shirt like that, I’d let my nephew wash my clothes.

The only difference between the clothes from yesteryear and the atrocities nowadays, is the length and modesty. The dresses have become increasingly shorter and the neck lines have lowered exponentially. I’m disgusted at how expensive they are considering the significant decrease in fabric. When my mom and I saw the price tags, we headed for the clearance rack. I got a good laugh there. I swear my Grandma wore shirts with the same designs. Who in their right mind would buy clothing fit for a scantily clad 80-year old (What a horrible mental picture. I’m really sorry!)? Seriously! Yuck! No wonder they were 70% off. Although that could have meant that the dresses had 70% of their fabric missing. Either way, it was not a pleasant experience.

Needless to say, I did not get an Easter dress this year. I’m not too disappointed though. I really don’t want to walk around looking like a teapot. And I won’t be caught dead looking like someone ate an entire bag of Skittles and threw up on me. Whoever brought back those styles should be shot…or forced to wear the monstrosity they created. That would be torture enough.