Lifelong Search

I learn daily that I lack patience. Don’t get me wrong. I have a lot more than in my youth. But I have a LONG way to go. As I was driving home, I decided to write a poem about that specific virtue. It isn’t the best poem, but I had a lot of fun writing it.

Lifelong Search

Hands were wrung like napkins,
Feet paced across the floor;
Anxiously I’ve waited,
For the knock upon my door.

So I decided not to wait.
I would begin my journey,
Hoping it was not my fate
To end up on a gurney.

I checked for it by a tree.
I searched from limb to root.
It wasn’t there, I kicked the trunk
And hopped away on one foot.

Under a rock, behind a bush,
It hid from me too well.
A thorn pricked my finger hard.
I stifled back a yell.

The next obvious place to look
Would have to be the shed.
I bent to look by the mower
But instead I bonked my head.

With a hand glued to my temple,
A finger between my lips,
I hobbled, and thought, “Patience,
It’s one of my hardships.

In order to get patience
They say it must be tried.
But my patience failed the test.
I truly think it died.”

It is an oxymoron,
To wait impatiently,
For patience to come to the door,
Looking to set one free.

Through life’s little lessons
We learn what we need to know.
You may be learning patience
When you stub a toe.

Fashion Collision

Fashion is a topic that has always bored me. I dress in what I find comfortable and modest. This usually doesn’t include the modern styles. Before the Easter holiday, my mom always buys me an Easter dress. So we went shopping last Friday. My good friends and family will already know that I abhor shopping, especially when clothes are involved. I find it exhausting and extremely frustrating. Friday was no exception. If you ask my mom, you’ll find out that I usually become very ornery, unless I can make it fun…somehow.

The first stop was disappointing. Every dress I tried on was made to flatter either a teenager or a rag doll. I looked like a decorative teapot. Ok, maybe it wasn’t that bad. There was one dress that made me look like a wicked witch and another that gave me the appearance of the farmer’s daughter. I wear simple clothing; so when a dress makes me look like ornamental china, I turn and high tail it out the door. And so I fled.

The next stop was to the Mall. Walking into one of the stores, I spotted a fetching pair of sandals. I thought, “Well, if I don’t find a dress, I can buy these shoes to bring me comfort.” Then I turned them over to see the price. Duh, Duh, DUH...90 DOLLARS!!! Who buys shoes for $90? My mouth literally hit the floor which caused much laughter from my mom. So we left to discover more jaw-dropping sights. When did the fashion designers decide to not only bring back the sixties, but the seventies and eighties as well? I’m here to testify that those fads went out of style FOR A REASON! Some of you may know the current styles I’m writing about, but for those that don’t, allow me to elaborate. Imagine that you’re at a three-way stop and there’s three vehicles coming from different directions. A 60’s Hippy-Mobile, a 70’s Chevrolet Monte Carlo, and an 80‘s Geo Metro are flying at full speed. Each ignores the stop sign and there is a three-way head-on collision. The wreckage is a semblance of current fashion. Here’s another way of looking at it (In case you can’t tell, this is how I made shopping bearable.). You give a child some Play Dough, pudding, and glitter. The child proceeds to smash them together creating a blob of nastiness. Some things do NOT go together. There was one shirt that felt like they’d pulled it out of the washer too soon. It looked like they’d crinkled it, let it dry with soap still crusted on, and then had a Baboon throw paint on it. I’m sorry, but if I wanted a shirt like that, I’d let my nephew wash my clothes.

The only difference between the clothes from yesteryear and the atrocities nowadays, is the length and modesty. The dresses have become increasingly shorter and the neck lines have lowered exponentially. I’m disgusted at how expensive they are considering the significant decrease in fabric. When my mom and I saw the price tags, we headed for the clearance rack. I got a good laugh there. I swear my Grandma wore shirts with the same designs. Who in their right mind would buy clothing fit for a scantily clad 80-year old (What a horrible mental picture. I’m really sorry!)? Seriously! Yuck! No wonder they were 70% off. Although that could have meant that the dresses had 70% of their fabric missing. Either way, it was not a pleasant experience.

Needless to say, I did not get an Easter dress this year. I’m not too disappointed though. I really don’t want to walk around looking like a teapot. And I won’t be caught dead looking like someone ate an entire bag of Skittles and threw up on me. Whoever brought back those styles should be shot…or forced to wear the monstrosity they created. That would be torture enough.

Clichés

I’ve had an idea bouncing in my head for a while since I wrote the blog using song titles. I’ve noticed how frequently our society uses clichés. So, I thought it would be fun (for me at any rate) to try and write a blog using clichés, proverbs, expressions, stuff like that. My Grandma and Grandpa were known for their use of clichés, so this is in honor of them. My brother used to go every week to mow their lawn and he and our Grandpa would usually stay outside and talk for hours. I know they talked about anything and everything, but I’m just making up this conversation. Anyway, we’ll see how this goes.

“Hey Grandpa, I came to mow the lawn.” Ryan hollered. Grandpa entered the room, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle, I didn’t think you were coming until Saturday.” “Well, I have a date Saturday and I didn’t want to leave you hanging. Besides, you’ve always said that the early bird gets the worm, right?” “You have a date? You’re sure this isn’t some pipe dream?” “Grandpa, you know I date. Besides, asking this girl out was a piece of cake. I just went up to her and said ‘Who’s your Daddy?’” Grandpa shook his finger, “Now don’t give me that cock and bull story. If you did that, you would be looking down the barrel of a gun. Now spill the beans. What really happened?” Ryan laughed, “Alright, I was just pulling your leg. I was really nervous. I felt like a sitting duck.” “Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.” “I know, so I took the plunge and asked her out. Luckily, she said yes. If not, I would have been down in the dumps.” Grandpa advised, “Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket and mind your p’s and q’s. I know from experience that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

Ryan went quiet. He was pondering what Grandpa had just told him. Grandpa quipped, “Cat got your tongue, boy? Penny for your thoughts.” Ryan sighed, “I feel like my backs against the wall. I want to do something fun, but I want to make ends meet. You see, I’m saving for a rainy day. I saw a sweet Nissan 350Z that I want to buy. It’s extremely expensive and I don’t want to lose my saving at the drop of a hat. What if I go over the top and spend too much on this date? She a nice girl, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Grandpa snickered, “Dag Nabbit, pardon my french. You’re a chip off the old block. But you have to remember, there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. You have to take the bull by the horns and go the whole nine yards. Now that doesn’t mean that you have to break the bank. But if you play your cards right, you can have the best of both worlds. In a nutshell, you need to bring home the bacon and have a picnic.” Ryan rolled his eyes, “Grandpa, give me a break.” Grandpa goes on, “Now hear me out. Pull out all the stops and kill her with kindness. You hold all the cards. Just be you and she’ll be as pleased as punch.” Ryan heaved a sigh of relief, “Thanks Grandpa. I better get mowing before it starts raining cats and dogs.” “Well, son of a gun, the sky is looking angry. Don’t get your knickers in a twist, I’ll hold down the fort. I should come out and help. There’s no rest for the wicked.” So, Ryan and Grandpa went outside to work, and that’s the bottom line.

"Beware the Ides of March"

For Spring Break, three of my friends and I went to Disneyland. It was a blast! The highlight of the entire trip was when we went to LA and saw the Broadway show “Wicked”. It was incredible! I can’t adequately describe how awe-inspiring it was. But instead of boring you with the details of my liberating vacation, I decided to share an interesting request I received. Upon my arrival home, I saw a letter lying on my area of the counter. It was from my good friend who is currently serving an LDS mission in Korea. He said (and I quote): “Do me a favor and write me a pretend ‘Dear John’ letter. Make it juicy. I need a good laugh!” I've never had anyone ask for this kind of letter before and obviously have never had the need to write one (my faithful readers will know that I've never had a boyfriend, therefore, no need for the “Adios” memo). So, this is what I wish to share with you, my feeble attempt at a juicy “Dear John” letter.

Dear John, March 15, 2008 (The Ides of March…ironic)

I don’t know how to tell you this, but our relationship is over. I have been fighting with myself because I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't want to send this letter, but deep down I knew that I couldn't let you find out by a different source. As you are preaching the Lord’s word, I have tried to follow His plan for us. However, my path crossed with someone else’s. Even though I have only known him for a short while, I know he is the one and that he feels the same. I've never felt so happy in my entire life, even when I was with you.

I met him in the same room I met you: The choir room. I was sitting at the piano when he entered through the south doors. The world stood still and the proverbial clouds parted. His eyes locked with mine and I knew that the same reverential feeling fell over him as well. It was love at first sight…literally. We didn't actually meet until Choralaire Sunday where he introduced himself and shook my hand. I didn't want him to let go, but he didn't want to be too forward since we had just met. He asked if he could call me and, of course, I agreed. The Lord was guiding our paths straight to each other. Even though we've only dated for a little more than two weeks, I know he’s the one. So, when he proposed 2 days ago, I knew it was right.
We are getting married the day you return from Korea. I hope you will be able to make the reception. I would really love to see you. Enough about me; be sure to keep up the good work. Let the Lord guide you to the people who need to hear the gospel. He is our light in the darkness and will not only guide you to investigators, but also the girl that is meant for you!

Hope to hear from you soon,

Edna Globberman

PS – We are registered at Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Home Depot. We also appreciate any monetary gifts. XOXOXO!

PSS – This was really fun to write! I should “Dear John” people more often!

Turning Point

My Visiting Teachers came to my house today (they are ladies from my church who check on me monthly to see if I’m alive). What do you think they asked? “So, how is your love life? Are there any guys you’re interested in? Have you gone on any dates lately?” Oh boy, were they in for an earful. “Yes, I have gone on a couple dates lately and do you think they called me for a second? Nope. Not one of them. In fact, that ‘one’ guy I’m really interested in…well, I’ve hinted until my face has turned blue (well, it turned red, from embarrassment). Nothing. It’s like my flirting doesn’t make an impact. Or, what’s more likely is that he’s just not interested. Either that or he knows I like him and he’s just keeping me on the back burner. I’m getting frustrated, because I'm worth more than this. I like him a lot, but I’m tired of getting my hopes up and then having nothing happen…over and over again.” This led to a lengthy discussion on guys, girls, and relationships in general. They gave me some very good advice and I believe I will act on it.

I have been stifling myself. I don’t need to cause myself heartache over something that isn’t in my control. I can’t make someone like me, but I can stop the roller coaster of my emotions. This is a time of life that I can enjoy. Looking back over the years, I’ve been able to do some incredible things and go to some beautiful places. I did a Study Abroad program in France and during that month traveled to Germany, Italy, and Switzerland. I vacationed with a friend in Hawaii. I’ve been to various locations in the United States and Canada. I became a Pharmacy Tech and continue educating myself in that field and others. I love learning and with this love, I learned how to play the organ. I had a goal to be the “head” accompanist in choir. It took time and LOTS of hard work, but it happened. And I can continue doing fun, uplifting things. Life doesn’t have to stop when you enter “marital age”.

So, what can I (and girls like me) do? Well, I’ve decided I’m not going to wait around anymore. All it does is create confusion and distress in my life. I’m a woman; I don’t need either of those to make me more emotional. Also, three of my friends and I (who are each feeling guy anxiety in some form or another) are going to Disneyland next week. It’s going to be SO nice to get away. We can enjoy each other’s company and not worry about stupid dating games. Another thing, I’m going on a date with a guy from Salt Lake this Saturday and I’m excited! I’m keeping my options wide open! I’m not going to let any guy play games to the point that my emotions strangle me. I am in control over my life. I will not be a “back burner” girl. The world is my oyster. Now, where’s a fork?

(Un)Inadequacy

I find it amazing at how prayers are answered. After writing such a downer of a blog, I wanted to give you, my blog-reading friends, an update. First of all, thank you to those who left such kind comments. How could I feel anything but grateful to have such wonderful friends and family? I will freely admit that I am very blessed! It’s because of these never-ending blessings that brought me to a realization today. This is what I want to share. You’ve heard my fears; now share with me my joy.

This morning I was reading in The Book of Mormon (Another testament of Jesus Christ). I was looking up verses that were about happiness. I found the following in Alma chapter 7 verses 23-24 (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/alma/7):
23 And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.
24 And see that ye have faith, hope, and charity, and then ye will always abound in good works.

And also, I read in Mosiah chapter 2, verse 41 (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/mosiah/2):
41 And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness.

I realized that this is the layout of what I need to be doing. I need to gain these qualities; some of them I have, others I lack (a big one being patience). And so, there are many things I can be working towards. As I thought of that, it felt like a daunting task. This is a hard time of life and I want to be as prepared as possible for the future. As I said in the last blog, I have constantly prayed for help and guidance for what I should be doing. Today, I received comfort and it was incredible. I was at a stoplight when I realized…I’m doing just fine. I’m going down the path that I need to be on. I am doing much better than I give myself credit and if I continue down the path I’m on, I will make it! I was filled with the sweetest happiness. I also realized that I am going to be able to handle whatever happens in the relationship department. I may not feel like I’m ready, but it will happen in the Lord’s time and He will prepare me. Even if the guy I like doesn’t return my affection, it’s okay, because someday…someone will. I LOVE this happy feeling and the best thing is that it isn’t there because of some outside event. It’s there because I have been given the confirmation that I am indeed doing what I should be doing at this point in my life. I have been given peace.

Inadequacy

I am into details. I see little things, things that normal people might not notice. Well, I went to a wedding tonight. It was beautiful. The bride and groom were glowing. The colors were red, black, and white…very elegant. The decorations were impeccably placed. The cake was white and black, square and tiered across the table. Professional pictures were spread around the room. Quilts cascaded from various easels. The dessert was to die for (literally, I think I died). Everyone was beaming and sighing casting glances at his or her significant other. My friend caught the bouquet (I didn’t even try). I felt very small.

The past two days I have been plagued with feelings of inadequacy. Especially when it comes to relationships. Have you ever liked someone and yet felt that you just aren’t good enough? This has been my constant thought the past couple days. I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs that I like someone. This hasn’t changed; I am not a fickle person. However, I have been feeling that I just don’t measure up. As I watched the miracle of love recognized, I shrunk into myself. Lately, I have tried to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I watched the joy around me, I felt myself step back into my proverbial cage. This is something every girl wants. Marriage. But, all of the sudden, I was scared. How could I ever be a good enough wife or mother? I have so many flaws. How could I lift someone else when I have a hard enough time dealing with my emotions?

Satan is doing everything in his power to drag me down. I felt that writing these feelings down might give me power over them. I have been so happy lately. But I feel as if he took a 2x4 and smacked me. He knows me so well and that terrifies me. He knows that my self worth is an area that can cause me to shrink. And so the attack comes. “Why would an incredible young man ever look twice at you? Why would you think that he would choose you over the other amazing young women? You are not worth the time or effort. Obviously, no one tries.”

That may sound incredibly harsh, but it’s what he’s been barraging me with. I’m trying to fight these feelings, but it’s hard when some of the comments hit so close to home. I know that I am a daughter of God. I keep trying to focus on the fact that no matter what, I am loved. I keep praying for patience, strength, guidance and the ability to overcome these feelings. I know that the Lord will not give us more than we can handle. I just have to keep faith that He will help me better myself. I can become the person I need to be. At least, I hope so!