Backward Glances

I sit in my room surrounded by darkness. My laptop is the only source of light. Okay, that’s a lie. There’s a sliver of sunshine from my window and my alarm clock is emitting a red glow. It’s making typing increasingly difficult. “Well, why don’t you turn on a light,” you may ask. I don’t want to turn on a light. That would be too easy. I’m determined to make my life as miserable as possible at this particular moment. No, I will not make typing easier by turning on my bedroom light. I will stumble with the keys, typing whatever my fingers just happen to press. Obviously, I’m familiar with the backspace button, seeing as my mistakes aren’t visible (I used said button approximately 29 times in the course of writing that sentence.). And how, pray tell, are you supposed to find the home row keys in the dark? Oh wait; there are little bumpy things where your finders go. Success!!

I write “success” for more than one reason. Reason number one: I found the home row keys. Reason number two: I discovered the cure for hiccups and am telling no one. Reason number three (and the most important to me at the moment): I made myself laugh. I came into my room extremely irritated. I was ready to dump my problems into cyber space. But laughter has a funny way of turning my views around. After I laugh, things that seem daunting become a little more approachable. Problems that I am facing tend to minimize ever so slightly. They are still there and will be until…they leave, but they seem to not have the same effect on me when I put things into perspective. Laughter is one way that has always assisted me in dealing with issues brought on by life, boys, school, boys, work, boys, friends, and most recently, men. That’s a relief; they finally went from boys to men (I think I hear a song coming on, I swear!). I’m very grateful for the ability I have to make myself laugh. I’m even more grateful when others make me laugh. My friends and I have some wonderful inside jokes that usually bring a snort or two. I’m not sure what got me on the topic of laughter. Those that know me know that laughter is a big part of who I am and it is the only thing getting me through a trying time of life. Now I shall continue on to the topic originally intended.

As I stated earlier, I entered my room in a state of irritation. The last little while, I have enjoyed being genuinely happy. But this past week, I have been feeling conflicting emotions. This Thursday I will turn 24. Yep, I’m almost a quarter of a century in age. Not quite, but I’m not getting any younger. There are few people in the world who at the age of 24 can say that they have never had a serious relationship and have never kissed anyone. To be perfectly honest, I’m proud of myself. I have saved a precious part of myself for some lucky man. I’ve heard some of my friends say how they regret kissing some of the guys they dated. I don’t have that problem. I know that when I DO get my first kiss (whether it be awkward or sweet), I will not regret waiting. Sometimes, however, I feel that I’ve wasted my time. I allowed myself to fall for a young man that I mentioned in a previous blog. He left a large hole in my heart that I was determined to hide. During the next couple years (this is what I consider wasted), I was surrounded by armed guards. No, not literally. I had a wall 20 feet high and 10 feet wide around me. That’s a BIG wall. I rarely hugged people. I wouldn’t let people (guys especially) touch me. Only close friends would receive a slight squeeze. I have since taken chunks from that wall and thrown them in the moat (I also dug a moat around myself. You see, I’m like a castle.). The wall is still there, but I have broken most of it down. I’ve even put my bridge across the moat and welcomed others into my carefully constructed sanctuary. I have shared much of myself (allowed others to see the scar left by the previously mentioned jerk and various other things) and have been received with open arms. What more could I ask for?

I have been in denial mode for a while now. I have made some wonderful friends who have lifted me in times of trial. But now, the year has ended and we are all going our separate ways. We’re not necessarily moving apart, but change is inevitable. I find it funny when (at the end of the school year, or what not.) friends say, “Let’s do stuff. We need to hang out.” Nine out of ten times it never happens. Actually, it happens for the first couple weeks and then…nothing. Sometimes the summer is actually filled with friends and fun, but once the school year starts again, old friends are forgotten. I have entered the ranks of an “old friend”. I never dreamed it would bother me. I am one of those people that moves on and never looks back. But I’m sitting backwards in my seat right now, staring at what was and wondering what my future will bring.

I like to have my life mapped out. I prefer to know where I’m going, when I’m arriving, and who will be involved in my excursion. This time of life has left a void. I don’t know where I’m going, when I’ll arrive, or who will be involved. My map has been ripped off the wall and left a hole where the nail used to be. I guess I could get some spackle and fill in the void. In fact, maybe I’ll create a mural to fill the space. Maybe instead of looking at this as an uncertainty, I could look at this as a time to get reacquainted with myself. I can turn my life any direction I wish to go. Having the map torn from me isn’t necessarily a hindrance, but rather a way to point me in a new direction to meet new people and ultimately become a better me.

Wow, laughter does help me change my outlook, even in the dark. Speaking of which, I’m turning on a light.