Soul-Sucker

Warning: Readers may not enjoy the contents of this blog. I’m sorry if you are offended, but this is my blog, not yours.

I have learned that when writing doesn’t flow, it must be stopped. Lately, the stream has been dammed and I’ve been at an impasse. A friend once wrote that if writing isn’t fun, then it shouldn’t be done. Truly, I have seen no pleasure in writing. I have been uncharacteristically down hearted; separating myself from friends and family to some extent. I haven’t withdrawn completely (though I’ve been thinking about it). I’m kidding. I won’t allow myself to be a complete recluse. Sadly, the internet is my main form of communication with friends and yet lately I’ve found it increasingly irritating. It literally feels as if it is sucking my soul away. For that reason I’ve stayed off; abandoned my friends, if you will. I have been working on alternate projects at work. They have allowed me to not only separate myself from the soul-sucker, but give my nerves a break from the endless torrent of irritating customers. What is wrong with me? This isn’t normal behavior. I enjoy being happy, not tetchy. Last night, I realized that part of the problem is fickle friends.

I am the first to admit that I have a wonderful group of friends. They are loving, compassionate people who don’t judge me in times such as these (as far as I know). I am so grateful for them and how they are always ready and willing to listen to me rant. Well, now I’m going to rant. I mean, really rant. I repeat my question and follow with an explanation for you and hopefully myself. What is wrong with me? I am thoroughly baffled at the inconsistency of other “friends”. I just don’t understand people who say one thing and act totally different. I can’t figure out how people can treat someone different because they’ve changed or are in a more authoritative position. I’ve been trying to grasp how people can act like your friend in one setting and not know you’re alive in another. Exasperating!

I am so tired of those people who are friends with you because you are in a leadership position. How are you supposed to know if they are friends with you because you are you, or because of your status? It’s almost impossible to figure out until you are no longer in that role. For example, I was President of the show choir my senior year in high school. I learned through bitter experiences who my real friends were; those who stuck up for me when others gossiped behind my back. My vice presidents were (I thought) good friends of mine. I was walking to choir one day when I happened to overhear their gossip session: starring me. It is tough knowing people are trash talking you behind your back, but believe me, it’s ten times more difficult to actually listen to the slander. I don’t know if I should count myself fortunate or ill-fated to have learned their loyalty so quickly.

Over the past year, I have lost a lot of weight. It has been a goal of mine for some time and I admit, I’m very proud of myself. With this change has come an alteration in how some people treat me. There was one girl (that I looked up to and considered a friend) who wouldn’t talk to me for about three years. I’ve never known why, but she was extremely pretentious. I have met some insincere people in my time, but during those few years she ranked in the top ten. In April, we had a dress rehearsal for our spring show. This previously pompous individual came up and threw her arms around me and proceeded to comment on how good I looked. She’s not the only person I’ve had do this. A surprising amount of people in my ward have done the same thing. Okay, so you couldn’t say two words to me when I was fat. Now, we’re best friends? Um…I don’t think so. I don’t need friends like that. I am grateful for those who’ve been consistent in the way they’ve treated me. Short, fat, thin, tall, what does it matter? It’s what’s on the inside that counts; the gooey conglomeration of innards. Speaking of which, my doctor once told me I had a beautiful gall bladder. I’ve decided that if guys could see my silvery-blue organ, they’d be all over me. I do believe that’s why I haven’t pulled it out at parties. There’s only so much of me to go around.

Back to the tirade. There are also those people (which seems to happen more often than not) that only have one form of contact with you. They only stay in touch with you through texting, email, IM, or send messages via popular websites. The internet is truly a wonderful way to stay connected. The issue I have is when you see them in person and nothing happens. Absolutely nothing! They don’t act like you’re there. They don’t make an effort to acknowledge your existence. What the freak is that all about? Am I only good enough to talk to you where others can’t see? Am I that scary in person? I admit, I could bite a person’s leg off, but that’s reserved for special cases. It hurts me to feel like I’m only good enough to talk to via the internet. I think friendship should be more than that. The sad thing is that most of these friends probably don't realize that they are doing this.

Again, I apologize if you are offended by this blog. I am merely frustrated. If indeed you are offended, maybe you should make some changes or talk to me and I'll help you amend those blunders which are most likely unintentional. Usually when I’m insulted by something, it’s because it holds some truth and I recognize things that I need to work on (though I usually hate to admit it.). If you have found humor in this rant, then I am happy to oblige. Now I must get off this soul-sucker before I have nothing left.