Blessings

Have you ever experienced muscle fatigue? Maybe you exercised longer than intended and it left you feeling exhausted. Maybe you ran further than normal and your muscles protested. Maybe you sat in an awkward position and when you moved, the muscles felt sore and stiff. Have your muscles ever ached to the point that you couldn't move and that you could literally feel the lactic acid building up? If so, you'll be more apt to understand what I went through over the weekend.

I was able to be a part of a wonderful show put on by the Ogden LDS Institute. It was about our great country: The United States of America. I am the head accompanist for the audition choir and therefore am entrusted with most of the harder music. I am thrilled to be able to play pieces that challenge my skills and allow them to expand further. On the piano and off, Heavenly Father has blessed me more than I ever thought possible. I was thinking the other day (Hopefully this doesn't sound too weird.) that there are many people in the world who are arrogant. They excel in specific areas and they know it; which means they flaunt it. My thought was that I could easily become very conceited. But the fact is that I know who has given me those talents and who could simply take them away. I've been humbled many, MANY times. The only thing I have done is try to increase what I've been given (which is more than I can even begin to describe) through practice, dedication, hard work, frustration, blood, sweat, tears, you name it. How can I be arrogant when I can't take the credit? Heavenly Father deserves the credit for everything I have, everything that I am. This weekend, I was literally brought to my knees. It is a very personal experience, but I feel that I should share. Not the intimate details, mind you, but the building of my testimony of a loving Father in Heaven and a loving brother, Jesus Christ. Ultimately, I want to share how my faith has been tried and increased.

Those of you who know me will attest that I do things whole heartedly. So when I learn a piece of music for choir, I'm going to expect the best of myself and therefore work towards perfection (Not that it's ever reached. I make mistakes all over the place.). As I wrote earlier, I play most of the harder, or should I say more demanding, pieces of music. Those of you who play the piano may know this feeling; there are certain songs that require more than just your hands. They require your entire body which is the same as saying they are physically demanding to play. This show was full of those types of songs. Patriotic songs are triumphant and consequently require immense, loud chords; chords that assist the words in filling the very soul with patriotism. I have small hands (my widest span is an octave) and these chords necessitate that they constantly be spread as far as they are capable. If you've ever spread your fingers out as far as possible and stayed like that for an extended period of time, you'll know that your hand starts to ache and you begin to feel a burning in your forearm. Your fingers inevitably become stiff and refuse to bend. Then the wrists join in the rebellion.

Thursday night was our Dress Rehearsal. I went home exhausted and I awoke feeling that I hadn't slept. I don't enjoy waking up more tired than when I go to sleep. Sadness, frustration, anger and fear plagued me the entire day. I knew I needed help releasing those feelings, so I asked my brother if he would give me a priesthood blessing (I know some of my blog reading friends are not LDS, so let me explain what a priesthood blessing is. In my church, it is a blessing given by a Priesthood holder, by the laying on of hands and by inspiration, to one who is sick or otherwise in need of special counsel, comfort, or healing.). I experienced an immediate release and enjoyed a wonderful performance. Afterwards, I began developing the sore, stiffness that comes from playing the piano long and hard. I was a little worried about the next day (Since we had two performances instead of one) but I figured a good night's sleep would do the trick.

I awoke sore and still stiff. I put heat on my hands and arms and I even took some Ibuprofen to ease the muscle tension. The Saturday Matinee was difficult. My hands were not cooperating the way I expected and I was increasingly becoming more frustrated. At the end of the matinee, my arms began uncontrollably shaking. I blew it off thinking I just needed to eat lunch. After I ate, the shaking got worse. The muscles in my arms were so fatigued that they were experiencing involuntary spasms. I could feel each individual muscle in my arms. It sounds weird, but it felt like the muscle fibers were pulling apart. I no longer had any strength in my arms or hands. I panicked. How was I supposed to play for another show that required SO much of my physical strength when all of my strength was gone? I fled outside, found a patch of grass, fell to my knees, and yes…I sobbed. "Why is this happening? What should I do? What can I do? I feel so weak. I received a blessing and I can't even last 24 hours? Am I SO lacking in faith? I know that at this state I won't be able to play. How do I get through this? What am I supposed to do?" I finally stopped the tears and went back inside (still doubting and fearful). I don't like people to see me cry. It makes me appear weak and I hate showing others my weaknesses. Well, it was then that a bunch of my friends decided they wanted to talk to me (and my blotchy, tear stained face). Finally, I was rescued by several of my close friends. One of them wrapped me in a hug that opened the flood gates and I started sobbing…again.

We decided to head back and get ready when our director walked past. I specifically didn't want him to see me. He had mentioned a couple weeks earlier that he didn't want to wear me out and I told him not to lighten my load seeing as this is my last show with the Institute. Well, He saw me, stopped, and asked if I was okay. I couldn't lie to him. He's like a father to me. I waited for the "I knew it" speech and instead he said, "Let's fix that. Let's find a young man in a suit and give you a blessing." And so the seven of us went to his small, cramped office and I received another priesthood blessing. It was very sacred and personal (those parts I will not share), but also unlike any blessing I've ever heard. He hesitated slightly and then began to give specific instructions on what I was to do. "When you get there, go to the kitchen and get two towels. Soak them in cold water and wrap them around your arms for 5 to 10 minutes. This may sound strange and simple, but it will start to soothe your muscles. Then, during and before the show, find a place backstage and lie down. Allow yourself to breath. Relax and let the tension leave your body." It was so simple and also so specific. With the help of my four friends, I followed the instructions implicitly. I am truly blessed and grateful to have friends that will stick with me through bad and good times. They even missed a testimony meeting for me.

So what happened? I still felt weak and exhausted…until I started playing the first number. I felt my muscles fill with a strength that was not my own. The stiffness was loosed. I felt my mind become more focused. The interesting thing is that between numbers, the tension returned to a smaller degree and the muscle spasms returned. But the minute I started performing, they left and I was able to play without any problems. The second I released the final chord, all the aching returned and my hands quit working. I awoke the next day unable to move my arms. But Heavenly Father blessed me above and beyond what I expected. This experience taught me that faith truly is an action. I was given specific directions and I know that the outcome would have been completely different had I not followed the counsel I received. Because of my obedience and the faith of myself and others, I was given the greatest ending of my years as an accompanist. I had given everything I had and I didn't have enough and so a loving Father in Heaven gave me His strength when I had none. Isn't that the epitome of the atoning sacrifice of the Savior? We give all we can and then He does the rest.

Two Guys and a Girl

You know the date is going awry when you’re wishing you were with someone else soon after you step into the car. Such was the case on my date tonight. But the beginning of this date isn’t where I should begin. This story started a month ago.

Last month I was stopped by a lady in my neighborhood. “I’m SO sorry. I feel horrible!” What was she talking about? I was asking myself the same question. I soon deduced from her ramblings that she had given my phone number to a friend of hers and this friend was going to give it to her grandson. She felt guilty because she hadn’t asked for my permission first. (Truly, this is one thing that bugs me. If you’re going to give out someone’s personal information…ASK THEM FIRST!) I told her it wasn’t a big deal because I was sure he wouldn’t actually call. Nine out of ten times they don’t in a situation like this. She started telling me what a wonderful young man he was (she’d never met him). His grandma had said that he just couldn’t seem to find anyone and well, everyone knows that Annie has issues in the dating department. Ok, she didn’t actually say that, but that’s how it felt. Then to top off an already uncomfortable situation, my neighbor and mom start joking about how this could be my destiny…HE could be my destiny. Oh, how I loathe that. It instantly fills my soul with quiet rebellion.

A month later (last Tuesday to be precise), he called me. We had a pleasant conversation where he asked me on a date for Friday night at seven. He then said he would call Thursday night and let me know what was going on. Thursday came and went. There was no phone call. So by Friday around 5:30 I’m thinking he’s a jerk. He called shortly after I’d expressed that thought audibly to my parents. Yes, I felt bad about my prejudgment. He had been busy and couldn’t call; a reasonable excuse. He said he’d call me later and get directions. 7:30 rolled around and (surprise, surprise) I did get that call. He showed up on my porch a minute later.

When I opened the door he gave me the weirdest look. That is a VERY comforting way to start a date. Believe me. (I rolled my eyes while writing that, by the way.) I found out later that his grandma told him I was 5' 10" tall. Those that know me know I’m indeed 5' 10"…minus 10 inches. Hence the weird look. Anyway, back to the date. He opened my door which is a major plus in my book (but didn’t do it again the rest of the evening, which turned the plus into a minus.). We got to his car and he said, “By the way, my friend is going to tag along with us.” What? Are you kidding me? His friend was indeed in the back seat. They said we were going to pick up another girl (phew, his friend was going to have a date. If not, that would be awkward.). Well, she wasn’t home and apparently hadn’t given an affirmation that she would go in the first place. So there we were; two guys and a girl. Every girls dream right? WRONG! They asked me a couple questions about myself and then started spouting inside jokes to each other. I’m all for inside jokes, but if your date doesn’t share those same jokes, you don’t use them. I’m telling you, it felt like THEY were on the date and I was the third wheel.

They told me the plan for the evening; we were going to attend a concert at the LDS Institute. We got there earlier than expected so we played foozball before the concert. My date and I were on one side, and the friend was on the other. We gave him a sore beating. He was complaining the whole time, so my date decided that they should play one-on-one. The friend beat my date and then turned and challenged me to a one-on-one game. He was being extremely obnoxious, so guess what I did…I kicked his trash, baby! Oh yeah! I know; guys don’t like it when you beat them at games and such, but he was driving me crazy with his whining, trash talk, and mostly the self aggrandizement. So I bruised his ego! Mwah ha ha!!!

We went up to get a seat for the concert and the friend left to find other people. Talking to my date was like pulling teeth (funny, since he wanted to be accepted into the pre-dental program). I asked questions and he’d give me short answers. We sat in silence for quite a while. Thankfully, some of his friends came up to talk to him and I had friends who offered a nice distraction as well. After they left, he asked me where the other guy had gone. I didn’t know (and frankly didn’t care). He said, “I’m going to go find him. I’ll be back.” Ten minutes later he returned. Yep, ten minutes. Fabulous date etiquette (as was talking and texting on their phones which they did frequently throughout the evening).

The concert was great. I thoroughly enjoyed the music, but I think the guys were disappointed that I was sitting between them. When it was over I thought we were going to leave. We were wandering around the institute, not helping clean up which also bugged me. The least we could do was help, but I was following Dumb and Dumber. What could I do? Ok, that was rude. They were nice guys and they seemed smart, but they kept quoting movies such as the one afore mentioned. Anyway, they walked AHEAD of me. Then my date would realize his error and slow down to walk with me (he was really tall and he walked really fast. I think I did a marathon trying to keep up.) I tried to stay by my date, as a good date should, and the friend kept walking between us. Then walking (jogging) started to feel like freeway driving. I’d slow down and walk behind the friend to the other side and merge next to my date. The friend would cross two lanes of traffic and end up on my other side or would cut me off entirely. He was driving (no pun intended) me crazy and my date seemed oblivious. I was praying for the night to come to a swift end, but they wanted to stand around and stare at band equipment.

They eventually came to the conclusion that it was time to leave (finally!). The entire ride home was filled with movie quotes and inside jokes followed by apologies for being so weird. Then, pulling into my driveway, the friend says, “Sorry you didn’t have any alone time. Just pretend I’m not here.” Um…that was awkward. I said it was nice meeting him and hopped out of the car. My date gave me a hug at the doorstep and thanked me for coming. I thanked him in return, went in the house and started laughing. I’ve had some interesting dates, but never one with a “tag-along”. I guess you could say I went on a date with two guys in one night, and was ignored for most of it. How sad! What guy in their right mind would let a great package like me go to waste? I guess I’ll add this to the experience cabinet (which is getting quite full) and let time do its magic. I’ve heard that women are like fine wine, better with age. I just hope this part of life gets better before I’m completely fermented.

Therapy Session

Writing is very therapeutic. So I decided to use this blog as a personal remedial treatment. If you choose to attend my therapy session…read on. This has been a hard couple of weeks for me. I won’t go into details because, hey, it’s my life. I’m not going to bore you with the daunting details. Let’s just say that my family has been going through a crisis, I’m experiencing the beginning of many ends, my future is unknown to me (all aspects of it), and I feel like I have no control. I have experienced every emotion imaginable. In all honesty, I have felt guilty for these feelings. I am normally a very pleasant person. I enjoy bringing laughter and happiness to others. I have felt at fault because I feel that I have been stifling myself therefore creating an injustice to others. How can I bring pleasure to others when I am so depressed? Not that I always have to make others happy and most of them probably haven’t noticed my disheartened state (My mom always told me that I’m a good actress. I wear a good mask, I guess.). It just brings me joy to make others smile and I haven’t felt very joyful as of late.

I am a perfectionist by nature. I expect the best of myself. I realize that emotions are a part of life, but as I said, I’ve felt in the wrong or imperfect. There have been times I’ve blamed others for the way I feel. Mostly I’ve censured myself for everything. It’s been a heavy weight as some of my close friends can attest. Well, today I sat down and had a good cry. It was the catharsis I needed. I am an earthly being. We’re supposed to go through these times. I’m allowed to be sad, happy, angry, frustrated, giddy, etc. There is no one to blame for these sensations, not me or anyone else. I am allowed to feel what I feel. When I dwell on a cause, place culpability on innocent individuals (myself included), and beat myself or others up, I’m just slowing down my healing process. I need to start thinking differently; reprogram my brain. I need to accept these emotions and ultimately accept myself. I have an easier time accepting others and their faults than I do mine. But the simple fact is this: I’m not perfect. I’M NOT PERFECT!!! I have faults. They make me the person I am. And you know what...I like that person!

I told you it's therapeutic. I feel much better!

Of Cheesecake and Men

When the men are away, the girls will go eat cheesecake…or try to at any rate. A group of girls (13 girls including myself) decided to indulge ourselves with a girl’s night out to the cheesecake factory in Salt Lake. We arrived and discovered that there was a four and a half hour wait to get in. Ridiculous! So we decided to send out scouting parties to discover which restaurant in the area could seat us in less than two hours. The winner: The Macaroni Grill with a wait of one and a half hours. So we killed time at a book store. Literally. Time died a horribly slow death…no pun intended.

Eventually we went back to “The Grill” (as I will henceforth refer to it) where we received shots of Butterfinger Ice creamy goodness. You may ask, “Was that the actual name of the appetizer?” No, indeed it was not. But the Butterfinger shots were handed out to those waiting patiently to be seated. During this wait, The Chef came out and gave two tables free dinner. We learned it is currently their 20th anniversary and they are giving away free dinners randomly throughout the evening. We amused ourselves by staring at those who were already eating and trying to make them uncomfortable. I tried to use my mind powers to eject a table full of people out the window, but it didn’t work. It was sad, really. Eventually, five of our comrades left and then there were eight. I know. My math skills are astounding. Anyway, we were eventually seated and began our daunting dinner decisions (astonishing alliteration). The man I referred to as “The Chef” (his name was Brandon) came by decked in his chef attire. We asked what his food choice would be, were he one of us. Asking our nutritional preferences, he then told us (almost word for word from the menu) what each dish included and how it was made. He made his recommendations on what “young girls” usually order. All of us giggled appreciatively at being referred to as young (even though we are in most respects.). He was very amicable. We thanked him for his help and said that we would be ok if he gave us all free dinners. He said he’d be pulling for us, but the drawing was totally by chance. Since he had been chatting with us, others would think it was rigged. Not only was he attractive, he was funny. Winning combo in my book! But there was one shiny round problem on his left hand. Yep, he was married. Nuts!

Throughout the dinner, some of the girls kept snapping pictures of their food, drinks, waiters, etc. Alright, maybe not the waiters, but I wouldn’t have been surprised. The food was extremely good, but we stuffed ourselves like Thanksgiving turkeys. Then it was time for The Chef to draw out two more “free dinner” tables. After the first table (#14 - BOO! We were #100), he turned in our direction and said, “I’m rooting for you ladies!” Well, he pulled out a number that wasn’t even close to 100. We were let down, but not long after he came back and said he was also disappointed. Then he said, “I can’t give you dinner, but how about I give you free desserts?” WOO HOO!!!! Four beautifully crafted plates of cheesecake (Yes, we got our cheesecake and ate it too!) and chocolate cake came, served by Chef Brandon himself. Double the pleasure!

But I think the most enjoyable part of the evening was the journey to the bathroom. There was music playing (of course) but there was also a tape playing on how to speak Italian. So we were able to learn some Italian in the bathroom. Also, we couldn’t figure out how to use the soap dispenser (a mystery quickly solved) and the paper towel dispenser was equally discouraging. Alas, there ended up being no paper towels, hence our problem. So I went to plan B…my pant leg. It works every time. Two of my other friends went to dry off their hands and had to resort to plan B as well…my pant leg. And so I became the “human paper towel” of The Grill. We were pretty hyper at this point (they probably put rum in the cake, or so we thought.), so we skipped across the busy street chattering about Chef Brandon and agreeing that he needed brothers (eight to be precise). We even started developing a musical, “8 brides for 8 Chefs.” But then it was decided (since one of our party is going to culinary school in the fall.) that one of the brothers would be an accountant.

The evening ended the way it started…in a car. Shocking, I know. But this time there was much more laughter and dancing. I love spending time with the girls. There are no worries. There is just a lot of laughter, food, and fun (that sounded like a Chuck E Cheese commercial). These nights allow me to let loose, be myself, and flirt without guilt. And believe me, there’s nothing better than learning Italian in the bathroom.

Unknown

Unknown

A smile fastened firmly in place.
Life is flowing smoothly, like a dream;
Or so it seems to the untrained eye.
Those who know may see through.

Tears are frailty; Show no weakness.
Strength is what they want to see.
Appear confident and secure;
There is no cowering, no fragility.

A façade is worn in front of others.
Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine.
Sobbing deep inside, where no one perceives.
Is it possible to drown from veiled tears?

Underneath the meticulous mask,
Rapids rage; crashing against the core.
The heart beats against its bony cage,
Each pulse throbs against aching temples.

“Where is the pavilion that covereth Thy hiding place?
How long shall Thy hand be stayed?”
Knowing everything can be made right;
Wondering when prayers will be answered.

Stark emotions turn the body numb;
Or is it slipping into quiet resignation?
It mustn’t leave its prison inside.
No one is allowed to see the naked pain.

The smile wanes from silent reverie.
A passing friend serves as a reminder.
Popping back in place, it deceives again.
Practice makes perfect.

Eyes are a downfall; they reveal too much.
They are truly known as mirrors of the soul.
Close friends see immediately.
Comfort radiates from their gaze.

Worst of all is seeing immotile limitations;
Having no power over what cuts deepest;
No foresight into the future.
All control is surrendered to the unknown.

Thanks Major!

I was pondering writing topics today and was stumped. I told my friend Major about this conflict and he said I could read his blog and add some phrases of my own. Here’s a link so you can read his blog too: Words. He eloquently states that words are “one of the most powerful forces that we experience in this world”. I would try to share the feelings words evoke in me, but I could not say it better than he did. So please, read his blog first and then read mine.

Did you read it yet? Good! Now you may continue.

I have always been addicted to the written word. I am always reading something in some form or another. I’ve read the back of my shampoo bottle more times than I can say. That may sound funny, but it’s the truth. Anyway, here are some other quotes for you to enjoy.

“Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?”

“Never frown because you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.”

“L.o.v.e. is such a BIG word for only four little letters.”

“Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?”

“No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted.”

“Pleasure comes from the outside, happiness from the inside.”

“Jesus paid a debt He did not owe, because we owed a debt we could not pay.”

“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.”

‘What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?’

“Bloom where you are planted.”

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”

“A man needs a good mirror to scrutinize his heart as well as his face.”

“Nothing moves faster than gossip.”

“Love is when someone takes your heart and shatters it, but you still love them with all the little pieces”

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

“Only the educated are free.”

“The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed.”

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.”

“Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become.”

“Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others."

"Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul."

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.”

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."

“Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.”

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

“Gently massage into wet hair, lather, and rinse thoroughly. Repeat as desired.”

See, I told you I read shampoo bottles.