When You Wish Upon A Star...

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Annie. She was at work one afternoon when a young, male coworker approached her. This coworker happened to be one of her roommates’ brothers. They shared some brief banter and then he went quiet. His face flushed as he mumbled that he had a question for her. Annie gave him a puzzled, inquiring look and nodded for him to continue. He asked her if she would be willing to go on a date with him to celebrate his recent acceptance into Pharmacy school. She eagerly consented and they set up a time for the anticipated date.

The night arrived. Annie found herself sitting at a square table with the young man, when who should arrive but a few of their fellow employees. With a twinge of frustration, they invited the others to join them. One of the Pharmacists sat in between Annie and the young man. Disappointment sunk in deeper when the Pharmacist and the young man engaged in conversation. Annie sighed and turned to speak with one of her female coworkers. Suddenly, the adjacent conversation caught her attention.

The Pharmacist asked the young man how the date was going. Annie whipped her head towards them with a startled look. ‘Why would he ask that right in front of me?’ Neither acknowledged that she was within earshot. In fact, they acted as if she had disappeared entirely. The young man proceeded to answer, “I really like her.” The Pharmacist pumped his fists in the air and shouted, “Yes! I knew it.” Annie, realizing that she wasn’t supposed to hear their exchange, slowly turned back to her previous conversation. She pretended to listen to her other coworker, but focused her attention on the discussion regarding her. ‘He really should be telling me these things, not the Pharmacist.’ Indirectly finding out that he liked her caused her to chuckle. Maintaining a semblance of composure, she forced back the laughter that threatened to surface. ‘What a date this has turned out to be.’

And so it was. Learning of a young man and his admiration, feeling a reciprocal attraction, Annie left with a smile on her face.

It’s too bad it was all a dream.

Stupid Chick Flicks

I sit alone in a dimly lit room watching a Chick Flick. Why do I frequent this position? Each time, I am drawn into a fantastical world where everyone finds a “happily ever after”. Oh sure, there is conflict along the way. There is never a doubt that some unforeseen adversary will enter the story. Their perniciousness is always evident to the audience and never to the protagonists. Triumphantly, love conquers all…or they die. These, we know, are the atypical outcomes. Any other outcomes are disappointing to watch. Honestly, I do not care for Chick Flicks that end in despair. But at least those are more realistic.

Each time, the male love interest professes his undying love; a love that will span the test of time. There are those fleeting moments when love is hanging by a thread. The smallest mistake and it is lost forever. But somehow, someway, they manage to work everything out. No price is too great; no problem too big. But where is the reality? I have seen love stories flourish in real life, those who meet and just...know their meant to be together (or what I call the “Saturday’s Warrior Syndrome”). I have seen rewarded patience, where one had to wait for the other and in the end, they were happily married. I have seen whirlwind romances that have actually worked. But normal courtships don’t happen like they do in the movies. And, like always, this leads me to one thought: I’m still single.

So here I sit in a perpetually single state. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me. I’m happy with who I am and the things I’ve done. I have a career and I’m learning new things every day. Life might be boring at times, but it’s good. I have nothing to feel bad about. Except when I find myself alone in a dimly lit room watching a Chick Flick.

About four months ago (has it been that long?), I became reacquainted with an old crush. I’ve written about him a few times in past posts (aka. the Jerk who broke my heart a couple years ago and how I got over him.). Go ahead and read them if you care to know the story in more depth. We somehow began emailing over the period of several weeks. It didn’t feel like regular “friend” emails. He was seeking details in regards to my life. There was genuine interest there. My first reaction was, “What? Why are you contacting me NOW? I don’t really care to have any contact with you.” But I am a nice person. I obliged the emails and began to look forward to them. He then told me about his quandary. He needed to find an accompanist for his ward choir. They had their Christmas program swiftly approaching and they had no piano players in the area. He asked if I knew of one that was seeking a new ward. Of course, I didn’t, but knowing how it feels to be in between a rock and a hard place, I volunteered for the job. I’ll admit, it was at this point that I felt something magical was about to happen. And it did.

We practiced every week and after, we sat and talked for hours. HOURS! Everything was as comfortable as it had been four years ago. He treated me like I was someone special and yes, he flirted with me. But I thought it was weird that he never touched me. Not even a hug. Family and friends said not to worry about that. It would come in time. We shared so much of ourselves, emotionally. He had recently moved into his newly purchased home and he asked my opinion on decorations, his grand piano (sigh), and other such things. One Sunday, we spent about 10 hours together! I’ve never spent that much time with a guy before.

One week, I bought him a shovel because he didn’t have one. I wanted to be nice; to show him I cared. I used it as a celebratory gift for finishing Finals. The next week, we planned a date for that weekend but it fell through. He actually threw his back out with the shovel I gave him. Sad irony. I told him to not worry about the evening, but that I would bring him some homemade Chicken Noodle Soup. He begged me to stay and watch a movie with him. He spent a while trying to convince me (I didn’t want him overexerting himself. Company can be exhausting.) But I stayed and spent a fun evening with him, hurt back and all. Whether it be the Chick Flicks or just the fact that I’m a hopeless romantic, I really thought that things were finally working out for me. It just felt right. It truly felt magical.

Can’t you just feel it? The turn that my story is about to take? Unfortunately, I had a so-called “friend” who decided to enlighten me on some of the events going on in his personal life. She said that he was dating someone, or at least he had been two months earlier. Of course, I was shocked. But I thought, “Things can change in two months. We’re close enough that he would have told me if he was dating someone. Look at what happened last time. Surely, he wouldn’t do that again.” Well folks, he did. I found out the night following the Christmas program that he was in fact exclusively dating someone. It was so hard it was to get him to admit it. It wasn’t until I came out and asked him if they were exclusive that he actually gave me a straight answer. I’m sorry, but to me, there are lines that should not be crossed when you are “exclusively dating” someone. First of all, you don’t spend HOURS talking to someone of the opposite sex (unless they are purely a platonic friend. Even then, there are boundaries.) You don’t flirt with them either. He never once mentioned her name (which is interesting seeing as she is a mutual friend of ours.). Why was he planning a date with me and asking, no, begging me to stay and watch a movie with him if he was dating someone? She never came to the program and her Facebook status said “single”. (Of course I checked!) How in the world was I supposed to know that this creep was playing me for the fool...AGAIN?! He said that he avoids talking about her because the mere mention of her name causes him anxiety. Does this scenario seem wrong to anyone else?

I literally had no clue that there was someone in his life. As I said before, he never mentioned her. I allowed myself (after much personal struggle) to fall for him all over again. To love him. To have visions of a future that was never to be. How pathetic I felt...feel. This past few months has been so difficult. Feeling rejection again, not once but twice from the same man. It’s a horrible feeling. I laid out my feelings and asked him why he never dated me. His answer, “I don’t know. It just never felt right.” Do you know how many guys have said that to me? I’ve lost count. There is nothing worse than knowing guys haven’t dated you because they “wanted to, but it just didn’t feel right.” What’s not right about it? I’m a good person. I’m a talented, friendly, well-adjusted, Temple worthy individual. So what is so freaking wrong with dating me?

And so it was, the vision of a potential future was shattered and hopelessly I watched as it was swept into the trash. But I’m a fighter and I would not take this lying down. So I told him in no uncertain terms (very thought out and minus the normal female drama) that I was hurt and felt that there were definitely lines that were crossed. It was unfair to me and it was unfair to his girlfriend. I was proud with how I handled things this time and I haven’t had contact with him since. Oh, and did I fail to mention that this “confession” took place the week of Christmas? Yeah, Christmas kind of sucked.

I honestly didn’t want to share this story with you, my blogging friends, but tonight I felt that I needed to relieve myself of this burden. It took me several years to get over him last time and this time it was only a matter of weeks. I frankly never want to see him again. He no longer exists in my life and for that I am glad. The lingering hurt slowly ebbs. The only remnants are the reminders that Satan inevitably throws my way. I was telling my roommate last night that I have felt a significant digression in my self esteem. I know that I’m a good person, but any time you receive a blow like this you are bound to judge yourself harshly. I know, in time, I will rebuild and feel better than before. I don’t know why this happened again. Somehow, I’m grateful. The dates I went on with him were some of my most memorable. They were exciting, comfortable, and just plain fun. I look back and see how often I compared other dates to those I had with him. Now I have rid myself of that ideal. It doesn’t matter how wonderful a guy treats me if he can’t be honest. There will be no more comparisons and maybe that’s one of the reasons I had to experience this again. Who knows.

For those of you that made it this far (I can’t believe I wrote so much), thank you for caring about me! I truly appreciate your love and friendship! As for now, I think I’ll avoid the romance movies and stick with good old fashioned zombie flicks. It may not be reality but there is nothing like watching dead, decaying drones wandering around in search for brains.

Brrraaaaaaiiins.

It's In My Blood

Music. For some, it's their entire world. For others, it's just something to fill the air. For me, it's definitely in my blood. Today I was bouncing down the stairs at work. I noticed that I was unconsciously stepping in the rhythm of triplets. "Tri-pl-et, tri-pl-et, tri-pl-et." I’ve also found that when I hear the footsteps of others (or anything that has a metronomic feel), I match my mental tempo to the rhythm of their feet. Sheesh! Talk about a music geek. I really need to get a life! But if I do, it had better be up beat. (Ba-Dum, Cymbals crash!)

Seriously?!

I can't believe I haven't written since July. What a slacker! Just to defend myself, writing has been a burden. I have been extremely busy with work and my computer went to the metaphoric graveyard. I have since (this last Thursday to be exact) bought a new laptop! I am now a member of the MacBook club! I am so excited and can't believe what a novelty it is to have a laptop that works...and works well. The monitor on my old laptop wouldn't stay up. I had to prop pillows behind it or stuff material in the cracks. It was horrendously annoying. One of the first things I said to my roommates, "The monitor stands up by itself. I'm not used to this. It's AWESOME!"

And so you see, I should have more opportunity to fill you in on the doldrums of my life. There have been many ups and downs in the past six months. I wish I could fill you in on everything and maybe I will in time. But as for this post, I won't get into much. Just know that I'm alive and happy.

My job has gone through many changes over the past several months. I moved from having hardly any hours to being full time. Definitely an adjustment, but at least my wallet isn't complaining (until I bought the laptop. But hey, it's an investment!). We are moving the Pharmacy into a grocery store. It will be an adventure indeed. I'm already seeing all sorts of issues that will arise, but I know this is the best move for us. I'm excited and a tad apprehensive, but overall relieved.

So friends, if there are any still out in the vastness of the internet world, I will make it a goal to write more often now that I have the means to do so. Even though I haven't left comments, I have tried to keep updated on your lives through your blogs. You inspire me to keep moving forward and experience the life that's intended for me; to see what's ahead. Thank you and goodnight...I mean, good afternoon.

Tranquilizer Anyone?

I’m trying something new. First off, I need to share some information about myself so let me state some facts. I’m a woman. (Uh…Duh, Annie!) As such, I tend to be more emotional than I would prefer. (Another news flash, I’m sure.) I’m also very intelligent. If there is one thing that should be known about me, it’s this: I dislike being “talked down” to in any circumstance or being treated in a patronizing manner. Of course, that also depends on who is doing the talking. If it’s a boss or one who is in authority (i.e. knows more about the subject in question), I don’t feel quite so vehement. If it is a teacher or instructor, I also have no problem. However, when it is someone who is on a similar level or is below me in rank (can you tell I’m talking about work?), I find it extremely condescending and most irritating.

However, as I said, I’m trying something new. I’m trying to maintain a level of emotional tranquility. I have been such a roller coaster in the past. It’s something I have always wanted to change. As I read an LDS book called “Our Search for Happiness”, those two words struck me: “emotional tranquility”. I suddenly had a mental picture of my emotional self running around like a mad woman and then being shot with a tranquilizer dart. That alternate self was immediately sedated and sent into a calm, cool-headed condition. She was not easily provoked and had unparalleled control over herself and her temperament.

Now, I’m not really an anxious person. I try to have a positive outlook. But I certainly can get myself riled up. Ask my family. Now, when I start heading down the road of provocation, I remember the words, “emotional tranquility.” So far, it calms me down. It has helped me to imagine that emotional basket case and envision her as she turns into a serene, composed woman. This has been an interesting trial run to say the least.

Since making this mental change, I have had repeated instances (that would have previously driven me up the wall) where I have put this mind game into action. For example, since I got to work today, several of my coworkers have been talking “down” to me. They have treated me as if I have no common sense. I guess if you think about it, common sense really isn’t that common, but I am on of those individuals who use common sense. I promise. Anyways, these associates have been more on the condescending side and it started getting on my nerves. As I wrote earlier, being patronized really boils my potatoes. Being treated like I don’t know a Twinkie from a donut or Skittles from M&M’s is not my favorite pastime. But in the process of writing this blog and repeatedly thinking, “Be Tranquil.” I’ve given the old mental tranquilizer dart the time to kick in.

Isn’t it wonderful that we can choose how to react to things?! Choice is such an important part of life: difficult at times, but worth it.

Now, I choose to go get some lunch. If you couldn’t tell, I’m hungry! (Mmmm…donuts!)

Change is Hard

Have you ever given advice to someone and realized it was the very thing you needed to hear? That happened to me last Saturday. As I mentioned in my last post, I have recently been plagued with some unforeseen and unwelcome trials. I was hurt deeply. At first I thought I would be able to deal with the situation in an admirable way. However, I have learned over the years that when there is a loss, any kind of loss, there will inevitably be a stage of mourning. This mourning process has been going on too long for me. It sometimes feels as if the emotional roller coaster is going to send me to an early demise. Anger, sadness, hate, pride, fear, resentment, guilt, etc. have been driving me straight to the loony bin…in a padded vehicle…with no windows…or door handles. It’s very dark in here.

Seriously folks, I was complaining to my mom on Saturday. She watched quietly as I riled myself into an anger induced frenzy (okay, it wasn’t exactly a frenzy, but I did rile myself up). She said I wasn’t moving past these issues because I just continued to add wood to the fire. She expertly told me, “Annie, you can’t change the past. You can’t change others. You can only change yourself and the way you view and deal with things.” I agreed but continued to complain about complainers. Ironic, I know. I said, “What is the use in complaining about minute annoyances. Complaining only opens the door for more irritations to surface. And complaining to other ABOUT OTHERS only hurts you…and the person you’re complaining to…and the one you’re complaining about if they found out.” Then I paused. You know how it is when you stop in your tracks and look off in the distance; realization smacking you right in the face. Oh yes, the old adage came screaming at me: “Practice what you preach!”

I shook my head at myself. Complaining truly lays the ground work for more irritations to surface. At work, for example, there is a person and there are annoyances that work my last nerve. I would complain frequently to my family and roomates about this person and evey day I'd see more and more irritations. I finally realized a while ago that there is nothing I can do to change this person or fix those annoying occurrences, so I just have to change my attitude. Guess what? It works! This person and those little things hardly bother me now. I realized that I needed to transfer that view into this current situation. I can’t change the past. I can’t change others. But I can change my attitude, my view, and how I deal with this situation. In order to do this, I realized that I needed to stop complaining. I’m human so the odd complaint will happen. But I need to be more cognizant of what escapes my lips. I do not have power over what I have already said, but I can control what I say from now on.

So I encourage all of you to be aware of what you are saying. The odd complaint is part of life, but when it becomes excessive, it can be detrimental not only to ourselves, but to others also. I’m so glad that I have control over my actions and that I can change! Change is hard, but it can certainly be wonderful!

I'm Not Entirely a Slacker

I regret that I haven’t written in the past two months. Sometimes, life is full of moments that can’t be written about. I have had an inordinate amount of those events as of late. They are moments that I feel I am unable to disclose. It’s not that I don’t want to spill the entirety of my thoughts out into the vast reaches of the Internet. Believe me; the thoughts, feelings, and confusion alone would go on for quite a while. I just haven't been able to figure out a way to put anything into words...or if I should even make an attempt. I guess I've realized that some things are better left unsaid.

Believe it or not, I recently celebrated my 25th birthday. Yes, I am a quarter of a century in age. Inconceivable! It’s certainly weird thinking I am now in my mid-twenties. I’ll just have to wait and see what the next 75 years or so bring!

Whoa, do I want to live to be one hundred? Hmmm…something else to ponder about.